It was in high school that I had my first realized crush on a girl. I was a freshman and she was a sophomore. She was a dyke; confident, outspoken, bold, and spoken word artist. She seemed very popular amongst our peers, especially in our “Literary Arts” classes, where a group of (mostly female) writers would meet together after lunch and after our academic courses (we went to an art high school where there was a blend of academics during the day, then lunch, and your art courses afterwards!).
At first, as much as I had lesbian tendencies in my youth, I never entertained the idea of being a lesbian, especially due to my xtian upbringing. In fact, I was horrified by the idea, because I was afraid of rejection and the hatred. Not to mention I was very indoctrinated, so I had a lot of internalized homophobia. At one point, just to reiterate my alliance to my mom, sister, and a homophobic god, I claimed I would never be a lesbian. I regret saying something this, not just because it was a terrible thing to say, but because of what ended up occurring in high school between myself and a girl.
I never thought I could have such feelings for another girl. I’d never felt so… Happy! And warm. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt. I remember it all very clearly: Her suddenly coming up to me as I’m typing at the computer, writing something for class, and she caresses my arm and softly sings to me a little, flirting with me. As random as it was, I was enchanted and so flattered by her! I was unable to look her fully in the eye, so I smiled awkwardly, not knowing how to respond to this. Afterwards, she grinned at me, making some small talk, to which I answered her shyly, and then she walked back to her desk. I was left feeling joyful and terrified at the same time. There was no denying it any longer: I was a lesbian. And no matter how long I’d been repressing it, no matter how many years of my childhood I could detect the difference in me, my lesbian reality had come to the surface once more and refused to be cast away again. I couldn’t cast it away, I wouldn’t. It was the truest and most honest thing I’d ever felt. It was like remembering who I was, or having known it was the real you all along.
But god, was I scared.
I was scared because I KNEW what being an out lesbian entailed for me. For crying out loud, a moment ago I was engaging in homophobia with my mother and sister, not to mention my church, who I now feared. It all screamed karma to me… But it was a karma I was humbled to have, and still have.
Throughout high school, I spent a large chunk of my energy dealing with my internal conflict of being a lesbian. I often would externalize this internal conflict by complaining about my then crush with my mom and sister on drives from school or at our house. It was the only way I could talk about my crush, without actually talking about my crush. In speaking distastefully about this girl, I was also trying to deny my feelings for her.
I hadn’t really accepted and embraced my lesbian feelings and sexuality until I graduated from high school and stopped being ashamed for loving another girl(s). It was such a growing time for me.
Since I’m more femme, I’ve come out a few times to some of the people I feel it’s safe enough to come out to, but not yet to my family. It’s hard and sad, because I want to talk about it to my mom. But I know that doing so would cause so much turmoil.
I’m still living with my mother and sister, who still don’t know that I’m a lesbian. And like many young lesbians, I still have to hide. And dear goddess do I wish to get away… I keep longing for a change of environment and scenery; to become more and more integrated with the lesbian community (a community I now see is being ravaged by queer and trans infiltration) and other lesbians, to have a relationship, and to get support (goddess knows I need it).
I created this blog to in order to have a platform to talk about any personal qualms or issues and to stay connected with the strong online lesbian feminist presence. I do enjoy writing and making art and I’d love to post something on here for you sometime ❤
The only question I’ve been asking myself ever since graduation is where to go from here… Well, the only way to go is up, right?