My sort of coming out story

It was in high school that I had my first realized crush on a girl. I was a freshman and she was a sophomore. She was a dyke; confident, outspoken, bold, and spoken word artist. She seemed very popular amongst our peers, especially in our “Literary Arts” classes, where a group of (mostly female) writers would meet together after lunch and after our academic courses (we went to an art high school where there was a blend of academics during the day, then lunch, and your art courses afterwards!).

At first, as much as I had lesbian tendencies in my youth, I never entertained the idea of being a lesbian, especially due to my xtian upbringing. In fact, I was horrified by the idea, because I was afraid of rejection and the hatred. Not to mention I was very indoctrinated, so I had a lot of internalized homophobia. At one point, just to reiterate my alliance to my mom, sister, and a homophobic god, I claimed I would never be a lesbian. I regret saying something this, not just because it was a terrible thing to say, but because of what ended up occurring in high school between myself and a girl.

I never thought I could have such feelings for another girl. I’d never felt so… Happy! And warm. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt. I remember it all very clearly: Her suddenly coming up to me as I’m typing at the computer, writing something for class, and she caresses my arm and softly sings to me a little, flirting with me. As random as it was, I was enchanted and so flattered by her! I was unable to look her fully in the eye, so I smiled awkwardly, not knowing how to respond to this. Afterwards, she grinned at me, making some small talk, to which I answered her shyly, and then she walked back to her desk. I was left feeling joyful and terrified at the same time. There was no denying it any longer: I was a lesbian. And no matter how long I’d been repressing it, no matter how many years of my childhood I could detect the difference in me, my lesbian reality had come to the surface once more and refused to be cast away again. I couldn’t cast it away, I wouldn’t. It was the truest and most honest thing I’d ever felt. It was like remembering who I was, or having known it was the real you all along.

But god, was I scared.

I was scared because I KNEW what being an out lesbian entailed for me. For crying out loud, a moment ago I was engaging in homophobia with my mother and sister, not to mention my church, who I now feared. It all screamed karma to me… But it was a karma I was humbled to have, and still have.

Throughout high school, I spent a large chunk of my energy dealing with my internal conflict of being a lesbian. I often would externalize this internal conflict by complaining about my then crush with my mom and sister on drives from school or at our house. It was the only way I could talk about my crush, without actually talking about my crush. In speaking distastefully about this girl, I was also trying to deny my feelings for her.

I hadn’t really accepted and embraced my lesbian feelings and sexuality until I graduated from high school and stopped being ashamed for loving another girl(s). It was such a growing time for me.

Since I’m more femme, I’ve come out a few times to some of the people I feel it’s safe enough to come out to, but not yet to my family. It’s hard and sad, because I want to talk about it to my mom. But I know that doing so would cause so much turmoil.

 

I’m still living with my mother and sister, who still don’t know that I’m a lesbian. And like many young lesbians, I still have to hide. And dear goddess do I wish to get away… I keep longing for a change of environment and scenery; to become more and more integrated with the lesbian community (a community I now see is being ravaged by queer and trans infiltration) and other lesbians, to have a relationship, and to get support (goddess knows I need it).

I created this blog to in order to have a platform to talk about any personal qualms or issues and to stay connected with the strong online lesbian feminist presence. I do enjoy writing and making art and I’d love to post something on here for you sometime ❤

The only question I’ve been asking myself ever since graduation is where to go from here… Well, the only way to go is up, right?

~MM

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2 thoughts on “My sort of coming out story

  1. Hi, it worked *waves*

    And I’m completely blown away by your new posts!! You are a fantastic writer, with a gift to lay stuff out so precisely and elegantly and clearly. You just straight-fowardly say truth after truth.

    Your story about becoming Lesbian is wonderful, and I also admire how honest and strong you were with yourself at such a young age. There are women who refuse to acknowledge their love for other women all their lives, and so many cave in to christian propaganda without even trying to fight – and there you were, a young girl, overcoming all that.

    I fell in love with girls all the time, but I took that as just normal and didn’t even think about it until I was 19 and suddenly realised that my feelings for girls and women had a name: I am Lesbian! I’m so happy you saw through earlier.

    Thanks for inviting me! I’m so thrilled and excited for your next posts!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my gosh, those are such kind things for you to say!! Thank you so much for your words, I was so touched by them! You really made my day! Thank you, I feel so excited to continue writing posts because amazing wimmin like you are reading! *very happy* I really appreciate your words about my Baby Lesbian post, it felt very cathartic to write, and I’m so happy that you liked it; thank you for your motivation and empowering words. I feel so lucky to be a part of this community of wonderful Lesbians, and it’s great to hear about our similar struggles, and from when we were so young. And that we overcame them! 😀 Gosh, thank you for what you said about overcoming those mindfucks at my young age! Sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit; I’m really hard on myself. Yes, yes, I’m so excited to continue writing and share my thoughts and feelings! I’m so happy that you’ll be sticking around, and you KNOW I’ll be doing the same for your future posts, as well! Thank you!! 😀

      Like

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